Butt-Hurt and Bible-Thumped

http://www.rightwingwatch.org/content/amazing-coincidence-behind-todd-starnes-latest-christian-victimization-column

There are hundreds of thousands of people, worldwide, who are being oppressed and persecuted. Some for their religious belief. Most, though, because they are gay, or female, or of a minority ethnicity, or because they express a political outlook the state has deemed dangerous.

But there is no systemic or cultural persecution of Christians in this country. None. It exists only in fevered little minds with no logical basis for their own prejudices. So they just make shit up, and even enlist their children in the deception.

No less than four of the folks on my FB feed, good and well-meaning people all, posted this "incident" as the Gospel truth, all citing it as "proof" of "Christian persecution". The comments following were the standard self-reverential garbage, right down to the gratuitous Tebow reference: "Would Tim Tebow be the target of criticism if he were Jewish? Muslim? Or even atheist?"

First of all, yes, he would. But not because he was Jewish or Muslim or atheist. Hell, most people don't criticize Tim Tebow because of his Christianity. They criticize Tim Tebow  because Tim Tebow thinks he's a first-string NFL quarterback, even though it's pretty obvious to anyone who pays attention that he's not, primarily because he has a wind-up instead of a release, and he's shown no real willingness or ability to change that fact.

Second, although I don't criticize anyone's end-zone celebration chops, many do. They decry the "showboating". They hate the spikes, and the goalpost dunks, and the increasingly choreographed touchdown dances.  But they get strangely defensive when anyone criticizes Tebow's "altar stance", even though the implication, that somehow a divine being has favored young Tim over his opponents and given him this touchdown dispensation, is pretty damn offensive, as well as wholly and decidedly non-scriptural. Criticizing THAT, though, is seen as evidence of some social jihad.

Third, being made fun of is not "persecution" or "oppression". Again, Christians in this country are not oppressed, or persecuted, not even close. They are not having their "rights taken away from them", or being marginalized, in any sense.

But spiritual butt-hurt runs deep. They imagine any slight, however innocuous, as the equivalent of being fed to the lions. Their collective martyr complex leads them to do out-and-out stupid shit, like make up stories about "prayer being taken out of the schools" (it is not disallowed in any public school, including the one cited in this article), and even show a willingness to exploit their children in their deception, as the fuckwits in this article have done.

In a world where Malala Yousafzai is shot in the face for advocating the education of women in her country, you rabid Bible Thumpers think you could calm the fuck down for a few minutes, and maybe find a more worthy rally flag than Tim Tebow's rag-ass arm?

Payback Ist Eine Schlampe

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Warning Signs-How Her Record Collection Can Predict Your Immediate Future

Look...you're not going to get the full picture by parsing her profile on EFornicate, or even a quick afternoon meet-up at Java Pimps. Your buddy's wife, the one who set the two of you up? All she really knows is that Tracy or Jennifer or Heather works in her department, is about a year out of a long-term relationship, and wouldn't it just be perfect if the two of you got together? She seems so nice.

Well...hell..they all seem nice. I'm sure Squeaky Fromme was a delightful conversationalist, and could keep you sweetly entranced, before stabbing you in the neck with a salad fork. Elizabeth Bathory, I'm betting, was an enchanting host, as long as one overlooked her quirky little mentoring techniques. Bloody Mary? She was a hoot...until you made an off-handed Pope joke, and found yourself dipped in oil, tied to a stake, and flame-broiled to a crispy finish.

At best, you don't want to spend your loot on a date you know you aren't going to enjoy. At worst, you don't want to end up with a full-bore Hell queen who plans on ending the evening by wearing your skin like a scuba suit and chewing on your spleen.

Lucky for you, there is a time-tested method for getting to the bottom of things, quickly, and without asking her to take a personality profile assessment, which cost an assload of money, and are easy to beat, anyway. Simply check out the music collection. All the information you need is there.

Make the date, make plans to pick her up at seven. Get there at 6:57, just enough so it doesn't seem too early, but early enough that she'll still be putting finishing touches on her kabucki mating face.

Slink over to the music collection. Check out the female artists. Take it in. These are the artists she identifies with, the ones she models her attitudes after. See which artist appears the most in her personal library, and  refer to this handy guide. Then you can accurately prepare yourself mentally, emotionally, and spiritually for the next few hours.

       ************************************************************************************************************************************

Amy Winehouse-There is a good chance you will wake up in the morning, alone, pants-less, and in a dumpster, with a rose behind your ear and a confused smile on your face.

Adele-Wondering why she's so reserved at dinner? Well, she just decided what dress she's going to wear when the two of you get married, made a "honey do" list for you to complete when you get your dream home in the suburbs (you know, the one with the deck and the two-car garage), chosen names for your three children (two boys and one girl), and is now trying to decide what song she'll boo-hoo along with at your funeral.

Celine Dion-Same as Adele, except she already knows the funeral song.

Sarah McClachlan-You may have George Clooney's looks, Albert Einstein's brain, and Bill Gate's wallet...you'll still never measure up to her Papillon, Mr. Pistachio Fluffikins.

Taylor Swift-Nice girl, seems normal. What's going on behind that sweet smile? "He is perfect, I never want this night to end, I have found my soulma...OMIGOD DID HE JUST LOOK AT THAT OTHER GIRL WHILE I WAS THINKING ABOUT HIM HE DID THAT GODAWFUL PIG I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HOPE HE DIES I REALLY REALLY DO!!"

Madonna-Hope you like dancing with a bottle-blonde cougar in a leather bustier, a glow-stick crucifix, and a Batgirl mask, high stepping in her stiletto heels while continuously and loudly suggesting to onlookers that they should "Take a pitcha, it'll fuckin' last longa"

Bjork-You won't understand a word she says, but you will be endlessly amused.

Hole-You won't understand a word she says, but you will be endlessly dodging vomit.

Chrissy Hynde-"Dinner and bowling? Sounds great. Let's go."

Jefferson Airplane-Sweet girl, bit of a freak, might have a good time if you can stomach the patchouli.

Lady GaGa-Will spend the entire evening dressed in a burlap sack with purple boa, staring at you through bright green safety goggles, trying to convince you that repressed homosexual urges are perfectly natural, and even a little hot.

Lita Ford-If you can look past the way she's going to enter the restaurant by throwing up a two-fisted "devil's horns" salute and shrieking "HELLOOO, APPLEBEES...are you ready to RAWK", you might actually have a good time.

Indigo Girls-It's going to be a short and awkward night.

No Doubt-Unless you have some weird squirrel / helium fetish, you might want to sneak out of the bathroom window in whatever stinky vegan cafeteria she convinces you to "check out".

Sinead O'Conner-"How can you enjoy a date when the world is in such piss-miserable shape?"

Pink-She's really goddamn annoying, but you can't help but be impressed with the way she cold-cocked the bouncer.

Alanis Morisette-A movie, back row? You're golden.

Heart-The night will end innocently, with her strumming her acoustic guitar and composing a song about how your eyes are as dark as the midnight sky. Also, as a practical matter, consider a buffet.

Stevie Nicks-Don't ask questions. Just run away. Now.

Joan Jett-The perfect date. The two of you are going to end up checking out other women over beer and wings at Hooters. Enjoy.

Of Ducks and Dumbfuckness

As an answer to the entreaties to give "Duck Dynasty" a chance and re-assess the show patriarch's clown-hood: until a week ago, I had never seen the show. But, since this nasty cold I've been fighting all December left me with some unexpected viewing time that coincided with the uproar, I tried watching a few episodes.

Just my opinion, and maybe I just watched a couple of bad episodes, but it's a crappy show and a waste of my time. It's obviously staged and poorly executed. Mildly humorous, pandering junk designed to make other inbreds feel good about their chromosome shortage. 

In other words, just a typical "reality" show. The fact it pivots on some swamp tick who looks like the spawn of Minnie Pearl and Ezekiel the Prophet, and growls, stomps, and slobbers like a mean, ol' pecker-wood, is a novelty I can do without, but I can see the marketing appeal. 

Hell, I can see the "entertaining" aspect of the show...nothing more fun than watching a good ol' monkey shit-fight at the zoo.

But, yeah...the guy's a clown. A performer. A comedic actor.

He dresses up in his costume and performs for the camera. It puts money in his pocket. More power to him. I never said he was an idiot. There is no truth in that; he may have mentally-paralytic compliance bias, but he's not a fool. Just a clown. 

The conservative movement, following precedents set by Rush Limbaugh, Ted Nugent, and Sarah Palin, decided he was clown enough to be considered one of their standard bearers. 

So when he spewed his hateful and uninformed bullshit in a magazine interview, and A and E did the same thing to him that MSNBC initially did to Nartin Bashir and Alec Baldwin, the conservatives blew their self-righteous gasket, and decided to make it a "first amendment" issue. 

It wasn't. And it isn't. Even clowns are subject to whims of their employers, if they wish to stay employed. They can't go into the boss's office, piss on his file cabinet, and expect the boss to laugh it off. 

So here's the deal...this guy wants to espouse exclusion and call it his spirituality, that's his shtick, his choice. Whatever gets one through life, I'm for it. And if he can parley it into a television career and make some coin on top of things, more power to him. I don't have to respect it or him, but I respect anyone's right to act like an ass and yammer like a fevered baboon all they want. God knows I've done enough of it, myself. Free country. And no one, left or right, has said otherwise. 

Hell, he may truly love others, no matter what their situation. I don't know what's in the man's heart. I sense he's probably more of a good guy than a huckster. I give him that benefit of the doubt. Most clowns are good people. 

But when the right-wing noise box decides to turn him into some sort of iconic figure, to say that he represents what is good and pure, and that anyone who disagrees, in any way at all, is deserving of social marginalization, at best, and eternal damnation, at worst, then it's time we all take a step back, look at things with reason, and say:

"Whoa...let's all calm down...it's only a clown". 

True Conservative Colors: When Logic Fails, Piss on the Dead Guy

The conservative reaction to the death and funeral of Nelson Mandela, including the politicization of the actions of President Obama, has been even more ignorant, cowardly, and vicious than I ever would have imagined. I mean, I knew many conservatives, especially the louder ones, were lacking in intellectual firepower and testicular heft. But they surpassed even my meager expectations.  

One particular friend, whom I have known since I was a little kid, chimed in with this little nugget of Facebook brilliance:

 In the "for what it's worth" column...It’s uncommon for the U.S. flag to be lowered in honor of foreign leaders’ deaths. Obama issued a statement of mourning earlier this year after the death of Margaret Thatcher, former prime minister of the United Kingdom, but he didn’t order the lowering of the American flag. In fact, the last foreign dignitary to be memorialized with the flag was Pope John Paul II in 2005.

Thatcher was an elected official, and a polarizing one, in her own country. She is not remembered well, certainly not as fondly as Reagan is in this country. She was, however, a staunch conservative whose policies have been long since discredited and dismissed, and an ally of Reagan's. Bringing her up as an example is only the first indication of the ridiculous "dog whistle" intent of this statement.  

Mandela was far more than an mere elected official or bureaucratic functionary. He was a revolutionary figure, one who was imprisoned for fighting against an oppressive social machinery, and whose message of tolerance, equality, and (most importantly) forgiveness gives him the rightful status as one of the leading humanitarian figures of the last century. 

Not unlike the cited Pope John Paul II...the flags weren't lowered to celebrate their position or their accrued power; it was to celebrate their accomplishments as human beings. Maggie simply doesn't make the cut.  

Oh, yeah... Mandela was black. Like Obama. You hearing that dog whistle a little clearer now?  

So, a couple of his more "enlightened" FB followers chimed in.  

"That tells us that POTUS identifies with a anti-colonialist, (never renounced} communist" 

"It is unfortunate that, by definition we are "required" to pay any attention to anything this man says or does...Sad days for our Republic." 

"He makes me sick!"

"This was stupid, showing once again that he is the WORST President EVER!! His loyalties disgust me." 

And a couple of his other followers gave the "thumbs up" to these pearls of pig-shit ignorance.  

To the first gentlemen...I'm not sure why pro-colonialism would be such an enticing concept. You must see something in the oppression and eradication of a culture that I just don't get. Or maybe you're just a dick.  

Yeah, I'm going with the latter.  

And Mandela was never a Marxist; he allied with an also-outlawed communist party that aligned itself, like Mandela's ANC, against apartheid in South Africa. Such alliances, in times of conflict or for political expedience, are nothing new. The United States allied itself with Stalin, to cite the despot who exploited Marxism to the most dramatic and tragic effect in history. Of course, some called Roosevelt and Truman, who championed that alliance, communists, as well...with the same dazzling lack of accuracy as those who say the same about Mandela.   

Mandela never, at any time, claimed or endorsed the concept of Marxism, not in his private letters or public statements, and there is not even a shred of anecdotal evidence to suggest otherwise.  

So later, another friend, who I  have known for almost two decades now, and like a good deal, started harping about Obama "Taking selfies and cutting up at a funeral". 

To which some fuckwit replied: "I would have been asleep at that funeral. so freakin boring hear how horrible whites were.... he was sentenced for a reason...LOL" 

and (same guy):  

"I think Obama really is thanking his ancestors for being taken to America. he has it good..LOL" 

Let's forget the obvious racial undertones of this yammering squirrel monkey, and examine the "facts" as presented by this little round table... 

A) It wasn't a funeral. It was billed as a memorial service and celebration of Mandela's life. It was closer to a pep rally than a funeral, with bright colors, chants, singing and dancing going on in the audience, even while the speakers were talking. Had you watched it, rather than tossing off groundless insults, you probably would have known that. More comparable to an Irish wake than a funeral.  

B) There were no words demeaning whites or any race at the service. In fact, the sight of whites and blacks dancing and hugging, in South Africa, and the messages given by the speakers I heard, was quite inspiring.   

C) Obama is not the "descendant" of African-American slaves, but of a Kenyan father who lived in the United States of his own design. Doesn't this guy know he's mucking things up for his "birther" buddies? 

D) The fact that conservatives are jumping on this, and his micro-second handshake with Castro, just illuminates how empty their policy arguments are.   

One more thing...all of you  left wing pages that keep reminding me that Dick Cheney and Ronald Reagan and a bunch of other stodgy old white men voted to keep apartheid in place? Shut the fuck up. Anyone with any sense of history knows that. But this was a time to celebrate Mandela, and what he did, and what he represents, not a chance to excoriate political foes.  

Because in the end, to me, anyway, what Mandela is to be celebrated for is not merely his willingness to fight for what he believed, or the strength and resilience he showed during his twenty-seven year imprisonment, or his political and legislative skills as the President of his country. 

It was in the showing us, ultimately, the astounding and beautiful power of unconditional  forgiveness. 

So, I guess I should forgive the dumbfucks I have quoted here. 

Doesn't make 'em any less of a dumbfuck, though. 

Biff Pocoroba Still Outside Looking in and Other Injustices

WARNING: Tasteless stuff ahead. May be considered misogynist, racist, homophobic, or otherwise politically incorrect. Those with asses too tight to enjoy are encouraged to run on over to pinterest and check out needlepoint patterns of unicorns, while those of us with a stomach for the real world attend to things here.  

Major League Baseball, the wacky folks who gave us the Infield Fly Rule, the Designated Hitter, and Bob Davidson, among other affronts to common sense and decent, decided a few years ago to nudge their Hall of Fame balloting a bit. And they may have actually done something right. 

This is the Expansion Era Committee ballot, not to be confused with the suddenly stingy BBWAA ballot. These ballots are chosen by historical review boards, and will include, in the future, separate ballots for the Pre-Intergration (1871-1946) and Golden (1947-1972)  era. Soon to come: The Blow Era (1978-1989), the PED Era (1988-2005), and the Sam Holbrrook is a Blind, Fucking Idiot Era (October 5, 2112 through October 5, 2012). 

Billy Martin
Joe Torre
Tony La Russa
Bobby Cox
Marvin Miller
Dave Concepcion
Steve Garvey
Ted Simmons
Dave Parker
Dan Quisenberry
Tommy John

A lot of managers up for consideration. I figure Martin or LaRussa to go in ahead of Cox, as committees like this just love 'em a drunken guinea bastard with a bad dye job. 

Bonds and Clemons are often said to have been probable inductees, even without the PED usage that reinvigorated their careers when they should have been swigging Metamucil and enjoying their farewell tour. 

Bonds deserves to go in despite mucking around with his body chemistry enough that he ended his career looking like the Incredible Hulk with a fine mahogany finish. The first two-thirds of his career are deserving. But he won't get in, as the committee and writers invoke the "Asshole Clause".

Clemons, though, without the juice, was Dwight Gooden. Not quite good enough, long enough, to make the cut. Plus, points taken away for bad decisions. Joe Dimaggio? Marilyn Monroe. Bo Belinsky? Mamie Van Doren. Call me old-fashioned, but banging Mindy McCready is bush league, and should be taken into consideration. 

And not only does Stenbrenner NOT belong in the Hall, the committee should rent a bus, drive to Hell, and piss on him as he shovels Centaur manure into the bottomless pit. 

If I voted on this committee? I'd probably go heavy for non-players. Torre, although he had a playing career worthy of consideration, gets the nod for his overall contributions to the game. And if you had told me, in 1985, that I would be saying that today, I would have asked for a hit of whatever you were smoking. But he gets a vote. 

No idea why Concepcion isn't in. He deserves more than any player on this list, without question. He should have been in by now. He was the best all-around shortstop since Honus Wagner, and his numbers would have been even better had Dave Pallone not been such a vindictive little bitch. He gets a vote. 

Miller deserves consideration, although I don't see him as a singularly baseball-centric character. This seems a reasonable way to recognize his contributions, and I think he'll get in. Not with my vote, though. 

Bobby Cox gets my vote because he's Bobby Fuckin' Cox, and if you don't like that, fuck you. That's another vote.

Cox and LaRussa would both assuredly get in through the standard BBWAA voting. Martin has not, and this is his shot. For all the drama, he belongs. So he gets a vote. 

Steve Garvey, Tommy John, Dave Parker, Dan Quisenberry and Ted Simmons? Nope, nope, nope, nope, and nope. Fine players, all. Just not quite there. Of course, neither was Bert Blyleven, but he whined until the writers finally put his ass in, probably in an effort to shut his yap, once and for all. 

That leaves one vote, and LaRusaa ain't gettin' it. Fuck him. That miserable fucker turned a blind eye as his Oakland teams ushered in the steroid era, jacking themselves up with everything from Durabolin to Liquid Plumber, and then he rode similarly junked-up players, like Mark McGwire and Albert Pujols, to tainted success in St. Louis. He'll get in, but, more than any other non-playing candidate, deserves to be given the Unofficial Steroid Blackball treatment. 

Fuck it...I'm writing in Glenn Burke.

The Butterfly Effect

...had twenty million of you zipperheads not bought copies of "Achy Breaky Heart" two decades ago, you would not be self-righteously complaining today about Hanna Montana pimping her cooter on the VMAs last night. 

Serves you right, goddammit.